The re-education of Mister SPK…

After discussing this at length with my
my grandmother, I have concluded that
2003 was a year dedicated to re-learning.

The following are some of things I have re-learned in 2003,
feel free to make notes:

Item Number 1…Being relatively accomplished in culinary matters
does not mean that you can ignore basic rules of the kitchen, witness:
Item 1A
Be sure to spatula and turn burgers,
potato pancakes and omelettes away from your
body. Flipping these items towards your body invites
grease that is roughly the temperature of the sun’s core
to splash on your skin. I still have bright pink scars
on my left hand to remind me of what I learned.
Item 1B
The grates that hold the pots on top of the stove
are in very close proximity to an open flame. Grabbing
one of them to clean around the burners immediately
after turning off said burner, is a very bad idea.

Item Number 2…While punching doors and/or walls may be a very dramatic
expression of one’s frustration with Life, it remains a dangerous
gesture that can result in being unable to even grasp a pen for about two
weeks. It is also a good way to prove your stupidity to others.

Item Number 3…Kittens are cute and it really does suck that they turn into cats.

Item Number 4…When selecting a Christmas tree, one should hold the tree upright and bang the
trunk firmly against the ground. This will help to determine how fresh the tree is. If there
are any needles on the ground, do not purchase this tree. Failure to learn this principle
shall result in a cascade of needles reaching the floors of your home and a pervasive
fear that if someone shines even a flashlight on your tree that it will erupt in flame and burn everything you cherish.
Thereby ruining your holiday and possibly your Life.

Item Number 5…The sun still rises even when one is not hungover.
Tell me…was the sun always this bright or has that ozone layer depletion thingy really come true?

Item Number 6…Neglecting a problem, no matter what that problem may be,
does not solve said problem. Nor are there wee elves that canvas the
Earth solving these problems. So…for instance…you should quit waiting
for the elves and take your car in for a tune up before you end up
on the side of the road cursing your bad luck,
wondering why these things always happen only to you
or thinking that your God or lack thereof hates you.

Item Number 7 and the final item that I have re-learned this year…While
I may be an irascible, moody, at time downright nasty, curmudgeonly bastard,
I still need…Love. I re-learned that being loved and loving another human
may be the only thing on this planet worth committing petty thievery or murder for.
Look Matilda, the poor, moody, nasty, curmudgeonly, irascible bastard poet is weeping!

So…anyway…please feel free to borrow and apply in your own lives
any of the seven things I have re-learned this year. They could save you
the time and the pain involved in re-learning them. And helping others
would help me…to stop kicking myself for forgetting these things in the first place.


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